1 00:00:00,900 --> 00:00:05,960 Hello to you! Come on, settle down. You, coming in with your cup of tea, you're late. 2 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,360 Obviously I can't see you, but if you WERE coming in with a cup of tea 3 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,720 then, spooky/exciting moment! 4 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,000 So, previously in my life, 5 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:18,880 it became obvious why I have an element of the prude about me. 6 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:23,040 Mum? Dad? Listen, I wondered if I could borrow that... 7 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:24,720 Urgh, my eyes! 8 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:30,080 Sorry, darling. Tuesday nights are now naughty knitting nights. 9 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,120 Such fun. 10 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,200 Not fun! 11 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:35,680 What else? Oh, yes, I've got a new friend. 12 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:38,360 Tamara, she's waitressing at the restaurant. 13 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,880 She's only 22, but I keep up pretty well. Oh yeah. 14 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:45,400 Oh, Tamara, I think you've put a sausage roll in the scotch egg tub. 15 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,600 Doesn't matter. Go with the flow. 16 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,560 Hey, let's roll down the hill. 17 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:52,720 Right, OK. Crazy, the mind of the youth. 18 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:59,480 I don't like it, I don't, that is horrible. Why would you do that? 19 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,200 And Gary and I haven't talked 20 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:04,960 since he suggested we have, um, (sex). 21 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:08,880 But I'm not bothered, no, cos I have a very exciting and fulfilling home life. 22 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,160 Oh, yeah, I mean, last night was crazy. 23 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,360 See? Good times. Right, let's jolly on with the show. 24 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:38,640 What are you doing? 25 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,240 MIRANDA GASPS 26 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,160 Youths! 27 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,120 Look at them, they're like a pack of be-shellsuited hyenas. 28 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,880 - Hyenae. - Hyenae, I bet they don't even care about Latin plurals. 29 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,320 Well, don't start speaking in Latin plurals. 30 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,680 I won't. I hope not to engage with them at all. 31 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:56,920 THEY GASP 32 00:01:56,920 --> 00:02:00,120 - Oh, no! - Right. Don't let them smell our fear. Just act casual. 33 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,520 THEY HUM THE ARCHERS THEME 34 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,840 Why are we singing The Archer's theme tune? 35 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:10,560 Let me get this, innit? Man here wants it for his yat. D'you get me? 36 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,960 Absolutely, yeah, totally. 37 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,480 I like your mask. 38 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,240 Is it a Halloween one? 39 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:17,920 THEY LAUGH 40 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,200 That's so funny. 41 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,840 No, but for real though. 42 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,720 - You're kind of trim for a teabag, though. Do you know what I mean? - Yes! 43 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,080 No! 44 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,840 - Phew. - How pathetic. 45 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,840 We are grown women. 46 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,640 Well, one of us has grown. Tiny! 47 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,120 Right, I'm off to the restaurant. 48 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,280 - Off to meet Tamara, are we? - What do you mean, "are we"? 49 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:44,400 I'm just off to meet Tamara for a coffee. 50 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,880 Going for a coffee with Tamara, are we? 51 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:49,840 She's just as much my friend. 52 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,080 No, she's not, because I was the one who made friends with her. 53 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,320 You're a friend of a friend. Friend-ish. Friendoid. 54 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,440 Well, I'm not competing. 55 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:02,400 Oh, whatever. Yeah? You're jealous cos I've someone else to have fun with. 56 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,160 Well, I have more fun with Tamara. 57 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,840 On my fun scale, she's 85%, you are just 40. 58 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:12,240 40?! Who invented Cake Soup and Roulade Roulette? 59 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,680 I'll tell you who, Captain Fun Times. 60 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:19,120 Well, did I, or did I not, invent Talk Like Duncan Bannatyne Day? 61 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,560 Boring. Very boring game. 62 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,280 The game that you love, is my game: Where's Miranda? 63 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:32,080 Found her! 64 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,800 Opening the door, are we? 65 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,520 Putting "are we" after a fact does not make it an insult. 66 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:48,360 - What are you doing? - Just taking an early lunch break to meet my friend. 67 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,320 - My friend. - My friend. - My friend. - My friend. 68 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,000 Ooh, wearing our coat from Gap for Kids, are we? 69 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,600 It does work. 70 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:59,160 Excuse me, I'm first... THEY SQUABBLE 71 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,360 Hi, Clive. Is Tamara here? 72 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:07,120 She's buying milk. I'd say she won't be long, but she's probably skiving again. 73 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,400 It's all finished. Just a loose wing nut. 74 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,800 BOTH: Phwoar! 75 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,800 Just needed a bit of muscle, that's all, know what I mean? 76 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,000 Cheers. Yeah, I thought it was probably the wing nut. 77 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,840 Here you go, mate. There's a score. 78 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:21,880 - Cheers, mate. Be lucky. - All right, son. 79 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:28,360 - What? - You just tried to get all builder alpha male. 80 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,320 What do you mean "tried to"? I'm alpha male. 81 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:32,840 Ryan! Ryan! Excuse me. 82 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,200 Just add a bit of parsley. 83 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,520 "Just add a bit of parsley". 84 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,600 All right! 85 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,000 Oooh! 86 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,000 Miranda, can we...? 87 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,160 - So have you thought any more about us...? - What? 88 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,880 The "us spending the night together" 89 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,240 thingimyjig? A bit. 90 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,160 I've literally thought of nothing else. 91 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,440 Great. I still really want to give us a chance, 92 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,480 so I wondered if you might want to go on another date this week? 93 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,080 - Yeah. Great. - Great. 94 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:05,040 - So I'm alpha male enough for you, then? - You, alpha male?! 95 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,800 Sorry, sorry. 96 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,120 Tamara! 97 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,440 - Tamara! - Tamara, Tamara... 98 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,880 99 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,680 100 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,520 Oh, what a lovely welcome. Hey, girls. 101 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,840 I'll put the milk in the fridge, then, shall I? 102 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,600 I thought you said she was a good waitress in Hong Kong. 103 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,640 Give it a rest. 104 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:29,600 So, I've just been handed this leaflet for an art class, for painting, from tonight. 105 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,720 Thought maybe it's fate. You up for it? 106 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:33,520 - Yeah, sure. - Yeah, wicked, yeah. 107 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:37,320 - I've always liked art. Do you like Botticelli? - Oh, amazing. - Amazing. 108 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,520 - You don't know what Botticelli is. - Yes, I do. It's an ice cream. 109 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,640 Yes, obviously that was a joke. 110 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,920 So... Botticelli is? 111 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:51,840 Um... 112 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,000 A painter. 113 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,240 When did he paint? 114 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,440 He painted in... 115 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:00,040 HE MOUTHS 116 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,680 SHE MANGLES THE WORDS 117 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,120 HE MOUTHS 118 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,640 He painted in...the renAI-ssance! 119 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,000 I've always said it like that. 120 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,920 And what kind of paintings? 121 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:15,000 Big ones... 122 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,720 - specialising in... - HE MOUTHS 123 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,120 Oooh... 124 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,080 Nuu... 125 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:26,040 Nuuudes. 126 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:30,080 He painted nuuudes in the RenAI-ssance. 127 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,080 Yeah, so count ME in, yeah. 128 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:35,160 Great. I'll get some drinks. 129 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,880 "Nuuuddes"? Being an idiot, are we? 130 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:43,440 - Slapping me, are we? - Ow! - No, you hit me first. 131 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,160 Stop it! Oi! Oh, hi, Tamara. 132 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:51,720 Coming down the stairs, are we? 133 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,160 Sitting behind the till, are we? 134 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,960 Using the "are we", are we? 135 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,680 Hi, darling. Hi, Stevie, how are you? 136 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,440 - Well, I'm all right... - Oh, good. 137 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:07,840 Now... Look what your hip mother has got herself. 138 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,520 A portable phone. 139 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:15,400 It's a mo-bile. Only 20 years behind. 140 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:19,000 I wasn't going to get one on principle, but your father insisted. 141 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,800 He said saucy text messages were all the rage. 142 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:25,240 I thought being rude on the phone meant working for BT. 143 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:32,120 Now listen, Phyllida's cousin, Julian Langtuttington, single, 144 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:36,080 is arranging a vegan barbecue. I mean, what is the point? 145 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,720 What are they going to do, grill a bread roll? 146 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,080 But then again Julian is a little bit... 147 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,280 SHE MOUTHS 148 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:45,920 He thought pot pourri was a tropical disease. 149 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:46,960 I think he needs... 150 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:48,280 SHE MOUTHS 151 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:51,000 - No, you see, all I'm seeing is... - SHE MOUTHS 152 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,360 FULL-TIME CARE! 153 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,720 All right! 154 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,560 Phyllida's going to text me the details. 155 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:01,880 - You should've asked, I could've been busy. - THEY LAUGH 156 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,080 - PHONE BEEPS - Ooh! 157 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,800 A text! 158 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,120 Oh, bear with, bear with. 159 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:13,360 Such fun. 160 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,640 Oh, just wear your glasses. 161 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,640 It's bad for your eyes to strain. 162 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,680 I think glasses look very elegant on an older woman. 163 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:30,880 - Older woman? - A mature lady. A woman of your age. 164 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,400 And what age would that be? 165 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,360 Oh, um... 166 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:36,520 Scared! 167 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,640 Six... Fifty-ni... 168 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:41,920 eigh... 169 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:46,480 sev...fifty-si...fou... 170 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,800 49? 171 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,720 Very elegant. 172 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:55,520 As long as you don't wear them on a chain, cos that can make you look very old. 173 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,760 What do you mean by very old? 174 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,680 She keeps walking in to it. 175 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,080 Old, you know, when you're like six... 176 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,120 Ooh! 177 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:08,720 Over a hundred, like your 120s. 178 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:09,800 Right. 179 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,440 - So darling, tonight, at... - Oh, I can't tonight, I've got plans. 180 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,560 - What? - An art class. I do things! 181 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:21,520 Miranda, the last time you went out after nine o'clock was when you forgot to put the bins out! 182 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,240 THEY LAUGH 183 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,880 Oh, ha-ha-ha(!) 184 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,840 Excuse me, I have a life. 185 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,960 You do know staying in with fruit friends doesn't count? 186 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,280 I do not do that. 187 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:41,760 188 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:46,480 189 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:51,000 190 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,880 Yeah, Gordon. 191 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,960 Hello, everybody, welcome to the class. 192 00:09:55,960 --> 00:10:00,200 We'll be together for SIX SESSIONS! Twice weekly, for THREE WEEKS! 193 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,360 Focusing on STILL LIFE! 194 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,760 Hope it's not food. I'll just want to EAT IT! 195 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,160 Stop it. 196 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,720 I'm just sharing a joke with MY friend, Tamara. 197 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,760 Tonight we start with LIFE DRAWING. 198 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:17,480 This is Johnny, our life model tonight. 199 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:21,240 And don't forget "Little Johnny." That's inappropriate. 200 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,880 So, tomorrow night, we'll be doing the female form. 201 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,120 Unfortunately our regular model is UNWELL, 202 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,040 so if anyone would like to volunteer, 203 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,120 please do give me a call in the morning. 204 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,920 I life modelled once. So freeing. 205 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,880 Tamara, that is really brave. 206 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,120 It's good to cross personal boundaries. 207 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:40,200 Excuse me, this is a personal conversation. 208 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,960 Miranda very much stays in her comfort zone. 209 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,840 That is absolutely not the case. 210 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,600 Only last week, I had savoury, moved to sweet, 211 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,080 then switched back to savoury. 212 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,400 With your nudity issues, 213 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,280 seeing a naked man is out of your comfort zone. 214 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,600 I am fine with nudity. 215 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,960 He moved, it moved! 216 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,280 Who said that? 217 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,480 That it so childish. 218 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,720 What? 219 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,080 Hey, crazy ladies... 220 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,240 listen, shall we go out? 221 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,520 - When? - Tonight. - What? 222 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,160 But we are out. 223 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,760 Let's go out-out. To a club. 224 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,240 Now?! 225 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:57,240 But it's nearly nine. 226 00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:01,840 Four words - Rush. Home. For... 227 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,120 Poirot. 228 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,520 I'm up for going out-out. 229 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,280 Miranda's always very in-in. 230 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,680 - Great, so shall I meet you at the restaurant at 11? - 11?! 231 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:16,960 Yeah, I'm up for it. Absolutely, yeah. 232 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,560 See you there, dudes! 233 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,360 Gary, listen, I need your help. I've got to stay awake... 234 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,720 See? Chefs can't be manly. 235 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:29,240 - You're so sweet. - Please don't call me sweet. 236 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,200 Sorry. I need coffee and something sugary. 237 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,040 I am going out-out with Tamara. 238 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:38,560 You seem obsessed with Tamara at the moment. Pavlova OK? 239 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,360 There's no need to cut that. 240 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,840 Thanks. I'm not obsessed with her. 241 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:49,800 No, she's keeping me young. Plus Stevie thinks she's a better friend. 242 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,280 Not one of your stupid competitions again. 243 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,360 OK. First one to pop all their bubbles. 244 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,240 On your marks, get set... go! 245 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:09,560 Do you ever feel old at 35? It's a weird in-between age if you're single, cos most people... 246 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:10,720 Are you still single? 247 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,360 I hoped you were off the market. 248 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:14,440 Yeah? 249 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:18,200 Yeah, cos I was going to book a room at that new spa hotel for us. 250 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:22,440 - If that's OK? - It is. - Great. 251 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:25,360 - I'll go and give them a call. - OK. 252 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,600 I could do a little weep of joy. 253 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,760 Drooling over Gary, are we? 254 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,840 Mutton dressed as lamb, are we? 255 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,160 Are you ready to party? 256 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,240 Yeah, I'm getting a bit of a high. 257 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,760 - Cool, what have you taken? - Pavlova. 258 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:43,840 - Let's go! - OK! 259 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,960 260 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:56,080 I can't believe the club closed at 2:30! 261 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:57,600 - SHE GASPS - More music! 262 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,200 Help me, I'm so tired. 263 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,200 Where do you go if you want to party till dawn? 264 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,720 Come on, let's see the sun rise. 265 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:12,160 This town is so lame. But it must be cool here when you're middle-aged. 266 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,000 BOTH: When you're what now, please? 267 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,280 Aren't you mid-40s? Oh, it doesn't matter, does it? 268 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,000 It does a bit! 269 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,320 - Middle-aged?! - Mid-40s?! 270 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:28,640 We'll show her. Oh, hide your Midsomer Murder DVDs. 271 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,400 - Werthers, knitting. - Quick! 272 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,520 - We're not sleeping till she sleeps. Deal? - Deal. 273 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,280 Foe no more, friend for sure. 274 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:38,720 Love you! 275 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,960 This is one of Gary's favourite songs... 276 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:45,640 Right, come on, funk down. Show her our stuff. 277 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,280 - Time? - 3:15. - OK. Cola. 278 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:54,800 Energy drink. 279 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,640 - Coffee. OK. - Come on, girls... 280 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,160 Make over. 281 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,280 Go on without me, save yourself. 282 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,800 You can do this. 283 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,360 I love this game! 284 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:35,840 Come on! 285 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,200 - More coffee! - Yes! 286 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,560 - Come on. - Yes. Yes, coffee, quickly. 287 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,320 ALARM CLOCKS RING 288 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,400 Its 9am! Too late for sleep! 289 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,280 Let's go swimming! 290 00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,040 Come on. 291 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,520 I thought there was another step but they've finished, I hate that. 292 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,840 I'll get my costume and meet you back here. 293 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,600 I find a swim is often better than a sleep. Don't you? 294 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,320 Yes. 295 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:13,680 No! 296 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:17,080 Hey, and let's go shopping later. 297 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,360 Shopping?! 298 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,120 Get up! 299 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:26,080 - We can do this! - I will not be defeated. 300 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:29,040 We are young. Are you still with me? 301 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,840 I'm with you. 302 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:35,680 All right, ladies. 303 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:40,400 So, Miranda, you wanted to go to a hotel? 304 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,440 I've booked a room. 305 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:46,240 So come to my bar later and I'll take you there in my transit. 306 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,760 - Alpha male enough for you? - Yes... - Yay! - You're ruining it. 307 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:56,480 Sorry. All right, all right. See you later, see you later, sweet cheeks. 308 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,840 Ooh, somebody's just been woo-ed. 309 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,640 That was one hell of a woo. 310 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,480 100 woo points to him. 311 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,400 Welcome to Woo Central. 312 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,840 It's woo-nderful. 313 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,800 You've woo-uined it. 314 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:17,680 Stevie, it's actually happening with him. I feel teary again. 315 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,000 Are you ready? I'll go get changed then. 316 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,760 I'll meet you at the swimming pool. 317 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,960 Swimming! I can't, I'll be too tired for tonight. 318 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,160 You can do this, or do you want everyone to think 319 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:34,280 you're so old before your time you've joined the National Trust just for the gift shops? 320 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:38,560 You'll turn in to an even posher version of your what-I-call-mother 321 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,280 and whenever you taste a cake you'll say... 322 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,240 Ooh, good lord, that's moist. 323 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,360 That's an excellent point, Stevie. Agh! 324 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:49,760 That's an excellent point. Right. 325 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,240 Right, this is the plan. You go swimming. 326 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:56,400 Then I'll take over and go shopping. She won't know we're sleeping between shifts. 327 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,680 Between us, we'll make an excellent 20-something. 328 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,920 The stop of us will be un-twoable. 329 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:05,360 No. Many lights make hands work. 330 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:07,840 Come on! 331 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,880 Right, swimming things... 332 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,560 You can do this. 333 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,320 334 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,880 - Wake up! - Ooh! What am I doing here? 335 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,200 - Swimming things. - Swimming things! Right. 336 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:31,520 What am I doing in here? Swimming things! 337 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:32,720 Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. 338 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,160 Can I help you at all, madam? 339 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,920 Should have changed at home. Fine with it. 340 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,920 - I'll see you in there. - Great, yeah. 341 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,920 Can't wait. Won't be long. 342 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:24,000 (Why, why would you?!) 343 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,080 Tit in eye. 344 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:01,640 And dignity intact. 345 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,800 I have a massive problem with nudity. 346 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:10,240 No! Did you keep up with her? 347 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,800 Yes. 348 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:20,800 - Are you OK? - Fine. - Right, OK, focus, I need your help. 349 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,640 Because art class, changing room, 350 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,880 I'm all cringed out and if I'm going to be wooed tonight, Stevie, 351 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,000 I've got to find a way to claim nakedity. 352 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,920 OK, calm. You just need to normalise it, OK? 353 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,320 The next person who walks through that door, 354 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,080 just imagine they're naked. 355 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,200 Agh! 356 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,320 Charming. 357 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:47,040 - Darling, Phyllida has changed the barbecue to tonight, so you can come... - I can't do tonight either. 358 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,800 - PHONE BEEPS - Woo! A text! Bear with, bear with. 359 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,760 Um... Can you read that for me? 360 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,960 Oh, yeah. It's Dad. "Heading home, terrible golf game, 361 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,320 "come and join me in the bath for a hole in one, 362 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,240 "I want to show you my loofah." Urgh! 363 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,840 You've got to wear your glasses! 364 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,720 I've got a bath to go to. 365 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:10,760 Urgh! 366 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,800 I'm sort of officially cringed-out. 367 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,160 It's like I've eaten cotton wool. 368 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:26,280 OK, this can't go wrong with Gary tonight, Stevie, because this is it with him, this is our moment. 369 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:29,960 The night when dos become uno. 370 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,840 Oh, I've had an idea. 371 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,000 It's quite out there. Yes. 372 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,480 I'm going to ring and say I want to be the life model for the art class. 373 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,960 Well, if I can get naked with a bunch strangers, 374 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:46,000 there'll be no shyness tonight. I will have claimed my nude-nicity. 375 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:51,000 Go for it. You've got to love your body, I do. Mine, not yours. 376 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:55,680 If I had to rate myself... Hips, ten, thighs, ten, breasts, ten. 377 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,000 Sounds like one of my KFC orders. 378 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:04,120 Good evening, everybody. This is Miranda, our model for TONIGHT! 379 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,640 We're very excited, very Rubenesque. 380 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:13,280 - You'll see we have curves, contours, undulations... - Undulations. 381 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:16,080 I'm a woman, not a B road. 382 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,920 And because of her height, 383 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:22,400 she has an excellent sweep. 384 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:23,960 Thank you very much. 385 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,440 Keep your eye out for Sooty. 386 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,720 Sounded wrong. 387 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,200 If you want to disrobe and make yourself comfortable. 388 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,360 Right. Um, OK. 389 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,840 No. I can do this. 390 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,360 Excuse me. 391 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,240 I did it! 392 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,480 Well done. 393 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,560 Rude. 394 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:03,400 So, are you taking this Rubenesque beauty out tonight or what? I have never been more ready. 395 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,920 Wow. Well, yes, I am. 396 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,440 397 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,080 BOTH: Ooh. 398 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:14,600 Ooh, I'm so sorry, sir! 399 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,960 - Sorry. - Sorry. 400 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:23,680 - Wow, you are... Give me a minute, I'll go and get my things. - OK. 401 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:25,400 Clive! I'm knocking off early. 402 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,680 Here you are. How was it? 403 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:31,360 She was ace. I think it's one of my best paintings. 404 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:33,440 Well, when you've got an excellent nuuude. 405 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,840 - Tamara, I asked you to clear that table. - Oh, yeah, sorry Clive. 406 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:40,400 One sec. So, this band is doing a 24-hour gig, 407 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,640 dawn till dawn. Want to come? 408 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,160 Dawn? I can't go on. 409 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,680 My name's Miranda and my idea of a big night 410 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:51,240 is a getting through a giant Toblerone with an omnibus of Countryfile. 411 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:55,840 Yeah, I know, it is lovely. And the only reason I'd be up at dawn is if I woke up needing the loo. 412 00:23:55,840 --> 00:24:02,040 My name's Stevie and it's my ambition is to grow vegetables and make my own ratatouille. 413 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,560 - Oh, that's lovely. - I know. 414 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,160 - A kitchen garden. - We're very old. 415 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:10,800 - What's ratatouille? - You don't need to know that yet, all in good time. 416 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,400 Consider us, your Auntie Miranda and your Auntie Stevie. 417 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,120 - Are you still gossiping? - Sorry. 418 00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,120 Right, that's it, you're fired. 419 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:23,720 Sorry, Gary, but you only employed her cos she's your wife or whatever the set up is... 420 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,000 I didn't say anything. 421 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,040 No, you did, you said "she's your wife." 422 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,640 Who's his wife? 423 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,520 Is Tamara your wife? 424 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,680 No. Not really. 425 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:39,240 Technically, she's my wife. 426 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,360 What?! 427 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:43,120 Doesn't matter. I'll explain on the way to the hotel. 428 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:45,520 Oh, my... Are you two together? 429 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:46,880 Tamara's your wife?! 430 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,640 - Were you eloping? - Clive, shush. 431 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,160 - Clive... - Married to Gary, are we? 432 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:56,560 - Miranda, I can explain. - No, no. Gary, I don't know what to say. 433 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:01,880 CD PLAYER: 434 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,920 - Can you switch that off, please? - Sorry. 435 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,760 I was trying to do an angry rant to storm out to and.. 436 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:10,160 I did a life class... Oh, forget it! 437 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:13,720 Miranda! 438 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:17,080 Sorry, what do you mean you're married? 439 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:22,080 She's a friend from Hong Kong and for a pass to study here I said I'd do the green card thing for a visa. 440 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,680 I know I'm an idiot. But I owed her massive favour. 441 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,160 Come on, it's not like I'm still sleeping with her. 442 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,360 Still? Gary, still? 443 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,280 Sorry, sorry... 444 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:35,440 It was a while ago, it was when I was travelling. Just a fling. 445 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,720 And you let me become friends with her. 446 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:42,040 You knew what a big deal this was for me, but you obviously don't feel the same, do you? 447 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,160 If you really cared, you wouldn't keep such a massive secret. 448 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,600 Taking me to a hotel room wasn't another romantic gesture, was it? 449 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:52,680 It was just going to be a meaningless fling, only this one won't end in marriage! 450 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,360 Now, THAT was quite GOOD! 451 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,240 But I've stormed out of my own flat! 452 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:05,680 KNOCK ON DOOR 453 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,840 You get out. 454 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,440 Come on, let's talk, please. 455 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,280 I only didn't tell you because I knew you'd overreact. 456 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,600 - Overreact?! - It doesn't mean anything, it was a favour for a friend. 457 00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,600 So you've done everything perfectly in your life, have you? 458 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,200 That is not the point, I can't talk about this now! 459 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,960 Can you get out the way so I can slam the door? 460 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,960 No! You're meant to be on the other side! 461 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,560 We can't even do arguing properly! 462 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,560 - Ow! - Oh, a real man wouldn't have felt that! 463 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:36,680 Oh! 464 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:41,280 I'm so tired but I'm too angry and upset to go to sleep. 465 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:51,040 CD PLAYER: 466 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,280 How long have you been hovering over that play button? 467 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,880 40 minutes. 468 00:26:58,760 --> 00:26:59,800 Morning. 469 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:01,480 Morning. 470 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,600 Oh, yes they do a lovely breakfast here. 471 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:07,320 Comes with egg, two sausage and a green card! 472 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:09,400 Miranda, can we talk, please? 473 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:15,000 Listen, please tell me we can move on from this? 474 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,400 Yes, I do want to move on from this. 475 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,000 Really? 476 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,360 Thank you, thank you. 477 00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:24,080 Listen, Tamara's gone. She thought it'd be best to get out of the way. 478 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,000 - I only didn't tell you because... - No, Gary wait... 479 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,000 I want to move on from you, us. 480 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,280 I never really know what you really want 481 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,920 and when I finally thought that you knew, there was this massive lie. 482 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:39,520 And I can't handle it. 483 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:44,360 You know? So, you'll never get to see my naked sweep. 484 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:49,920 Sorry. 485 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:52,480 Clive, what is this? 486 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:57,800 - Tamara left it for the restaurant. An apology gift. - Wow. 487 00:27:57,800 --> 00:27:59,320 So that's your naked sweep. 488 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,960 Oh, no! Gary, don't look! Don't! No! 489 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:04,720 What's everyone doing here? 490 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,240 Nobody look. 491 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,080 Well, this is a new low. 492 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:22,440 SHE SCREAMS 493 00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:34,080 Nice undulations. 494 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:40,280 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 495 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,320 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00